The Only Morning Routine You'll Ever Need

Optimized and perfected after years of testing

I’m 52, and after years of tweaking, I have finally settled on a morning routine that’s essential for my daily success. I’ve even created a bit of a manifesto, if you will—a sacred, step-by-step ritual that would make any influencer weep with joy. (If you’re starting to worry about me—hang tight.)

I believe in taking care of myself, in a balanced diet, in a rigorous exercise routine. In the morning, if my face is a little puffy, I'll put on an ice pack while doing my stomach crunches. I can do a thousand now.

After I remove the icepack, I use a deep pore-cleanser lotion. In the shower, I use a water-activated gel cleanser, then a honey-almond body scrub, and on the face an exfoliating gel scrub.

Then I apply an herb mint facial mask, which I leave on for ten minutes while I prepare the rest of my routine.

I always use an after-shave lotion with little or no alcohol because alcohol dries your face out and makes you look older. Then moisturizer, then an anti-aging eye balm, followed by a final moisturizing "protective" lotion.

If you know anything about me or have read a bit of my posts here, you know that this is no’t me at all. The morning routine listed above is that of Patrick Bateman, the main character from the book and movie “American Psycho,” the book (1991) by Bret Easton Ellis, and the screenplay (2000) by Mary Harron, Guinevere Turner, and Bret Easton Ellis. Bateman is a mysoginistic, materialistic, serial killer. Yes, a serial killer.

In the movie, they show his morning routine and the attention to detail he has for each step. Bateman lives in a fancy Manhattan apartment. Meticulously furnished and minimal in design. If you want, you can watch the scene here:

Unless you forgot, Patrick Bateman is a serial killer.

There are things about Bateman’s character that even in 1991, when the book was originally written, seem oddly prophetic for what’s happening today. More and more influencers are sharing routines similar to this. More and more men are showing how THEIR routine is a key part of their success.

The idea of “optimization” that Bateman embodied back in the ’90s? It now feels eerily prophetic—especially in today’s influencer-saturated world.

Below is Ashton Hall’s morning routine. It’s taking Bateman’s routine and adding hours and more steps to it. Starting at nearly 4am and continuing through mid-morning. Hours of different “self-care” routines to begin each day. It’s exhausting.

ashtonhall

A post shared by @ashtonhall

If you watch both videos, it’s scary to see the similarities. What seems exaggerated in 2000 seems normal 25 years later. Both are rigid. Both are highly curated. Both focused on making us the best versions of ourselves.

…Both focus on optimizing our bodies, our food, and our potential.

And honestly? Both kind of freak me out.

Look, I get the appeal. Routines can be grounding. I have a morning routine, and I actually enjoy it. It helps me start the day with some clarity. But the thing that gets me about these influencer routines—or Bateman’s, for that matter—is the intensity. The rigidity. The underlying message is that if you’re not doing all of this, you’re doing it wrong. That self-worth is something you earn through perfect skincare, cold plunges, and a protein-packed breakfast timed to the minute. The other big difference is that I’m not going to share my morning routine with you. Why would I? It works for me, but that doesn’t mean it will work for you.

What we’re seeing isn’t just self-care. Its performance. It’s control. And, for a lot of folks (especially men), it’s an acceptable outlet for anxiety, body insecurity, and the pressure to always do more. The vibe is: “If I can just get the perfect morning routine down, maybe everything else in my life will finally fall into place.”

But here’s the thing: life doesn’t work that way. And trying to optimize every second of your day often leads to burnout, not brilliance.

There’s something eerie about watching a fictional serial killer’s obsessive grooming habits become a blueprint for modern masculinity—something worth pausing to think about.

If your morning routine includes journaling, meditating, doing gratitude exercises, reading 10 pages of a self-help book, dry brushing, red light therapy, a cold plunge, making a protein smoothie with 37 ingredients, hitting the gym, skin cycling, tongue scraping, and solving world peace… congrats, you’ve just completed Level 6 of Late Capitalist Masculinity. Mazel tov.

And, if your morning routine includes a walk, a waffle, or just staring at the wall for 10 minutes in silence before getting out of bed—congrats. What’s the best morning routine? The one that works for you—not the one that turns you into a content machine or a walking billboard for wellness culture.

Let’s stop confusing perfection with health. Let’s stop mistaking control for care.

And please—for the love of exfoliating gel scrubs and overpriced eye balm—maybe we don’t need to optimize everything. Maybe your morning routine is simply just waking up and getting out of bed. That’s enough.