Yup, We're Gonna Talk About It

Hey Mom and mother-in-law, I'm taking about penises so be warned.

The conversations with dudes and body image continue to happen with more frequency. More and more dudes are showing up and talking about how they feel in their body, the impact of diet culture, weight stigma, and anti-fatness, and how hard it is to find acceptance of their body. It’s the premise of my podcast Men Unscripted (btw, you should listen). But here’s the thing, in all my years of doing this and talking to dudes about body image, there’s one thing that rarely comes up, penises.

I understand why it’s a challenging topic; I know it’s vulnerable. I know there can be many uneasy feelings, but it’s a part of the body, and if we’re going to talk about body liberation, we need to talk about penises too.

I think there is a feeling of shame when it comes to this conversation that is rooted in masculinity. Masculinity says it’s not ok to talk about feelings. It’s less ok to talk about body image and its’ a big no-no to include penises in the conversation. It’s for this reason exactly why we need to talk about it.

Let’s Start Here

I am aware of how we need to expand the idea of masculinity, what it means to be a man and that all different folks can have a penis. My hope in this conversation is to share some thoughts from a cis-male perspective since that is my identity and where most of my clients would be classified. As I write this, I think of how many more stories are needed in this area, showing different perspectives, knowing that marginalized voices deserve to be heard and shared. Today, more than ever, this seems important. When the current administration is openly transphobic, I find it necessary to say, there are many ways to be masculine, to be a man, and not only men have penises. I welcome feedback on how I can continue exploring my biases around this topic and how to use language that brings more of us to the table.

Speaking of Language

There’s a lot of words we can use when referring to a penis. Some of them are more acceptable than others. As much as I love to curse, get salty, etc, I’m going to stick with penis for this post. Right now, I’m even noticing my own discomfort with the word. Slang, euphemisms, curse words seem so much easier and accessible.

Let’s Get Uncomfortable

This discomfort isn’t just personal—it reflects a larger cultural unease with discussing penises in an open, non-sexualized way. Because of my discomfort, I have not been sure how to approach it in some ways, but I remembered a book I read as part of my Body Trust Certification. We had a book report assignment, and I wanted to read something about men and body image, and someone referred me to a book called Manhood: The Bare Reality

Manhood: The Bare Reality by Laura Dodsworth

The book is a compilation of men posing for a picture of their penises. The photos taken are from their belly button to their knee, no faces. Each image is accompanied by an essay where they share anything that they wanted about masculinity, manhood or their penis. The conversations are anonymous, and the only touchups done on the photos were done to remove identifying tattoos and other body marks. It was an art project by Laura Dodsworth and it’s a follow up to her first book doing the same thing for discussing femininity and womanhood.

This book is one of my go-to resources when discussing how dudes can explore our bodies and vulnerability more. And I have to be honest, I struggled reading this book. I struggled because of my own internalized homophobia. ‘What if someone saw me reading this book? What would they think? I can’t take this to Starbucks and just read it publicly.’ There’s another post in here about how ingrained homophobia is within masculinity and the socialization of boys and young men, but I’m going to save that topic for another post if that’s ok.

Once I started reading this book, I was beyond thankful I did. Each story is honest and vulnerable—some more than others—but each gives insights into what masculinity means and feels like for the individuals participating. Honestly, it’s a must-read.

Size Matters

What struck me in this book is how much insecurity and shame there was around penises and sexual performance. Yes, some folks in the book were proud of the size of their penis and it was clear how that had a impact on their life. But for the most part, most experienced some level of shame when it came to the size of their penis.

From an early age, we boys are subtly and not to subtly taught that our penises don’t measure up. One theme that shows up in the book that I think resonates deeply, is how porn influences this perception. Except for the locker room, gym class, or other random setting, there are not a lot of times that men are naked in front of one another. I went to a summer camp as a kid and worked there as an adult. The camp has communal showers, and I remember as a kid, showering with my swimsuit on out of embarrassment. And from what I remember, most other boys did as well. For a long time, the only penises I saw were in porn. I don’t think that helped me and I don’t think it helps us dudes in general. It sets up unrealistic expectations around size, performance or how long sex should last, and about how men should act in the bedroom.

When I grew up, porn was in a magazine, on a VHS video or behind static because the TV chanel was scrambled. Now, it’s very different. Porn is more accessible than ever, making exposure much higher. NOTE: I want to say, I’m not anti-porn in the least bit. I think porn and any other form of sex work should not be criminalized. I think men should pay for porn. I think we can have ethical porn that demonstrates consent. Again, maybe more for another post. What porn teaches us dudes is that our penis needs to be big, look a certain way, take a long time to orgasm and must be highly effective at pleasing our partner. If any of those are amiss, we’re failing in the penis department.

I also think about how there are narratives that exist that a smaller penis won’t satisfy a partner in bed. I get preference, I acknowledge that, but I also think that penetrative sex, doesn’t have to happen with a penis, and there are many ways we can satisfy each other in bed, even if we are smaller than what someone’s preference is.

For fat men, these insecurities are compounded. There are no fat men in porn, except maybe in a fetishized way. Weight stigma already fuels body shame, and fatness can be weaponized in conversations about penis size, adding another layer to the pressure we face.

So no wonder so many of us walk around every day ashamed of our penis, wondering how it measures up compared to others. Imagine how that impacts our sex lives too.

Body Shaming is Never OK

I don’t think porn is the only way we are taught that a small penis is a bad penis. How often do we hear folks shaming someone assuming they have a small penis. “Look at that big truck he’s driving. He must be compensating for something.” “His hands are so small, you know what that means right?” Think about the phrase “Big Dick Energy,” signaling that someone has confidence, swagger, bravado because of the size of the penis. So what is the opposite of that?

We speak out often when we see body shaming in the context of folks in larger bodies, but how often do we notice or call out body shaming penis size?

I think about how few conversations there are around penises, body image, and acceptance. I think far fewer of these conversations include conversations with fat folks who have penises. The intersection of how fatness impacts body image and how it also impacts shame around one’s penis are virtually non-existent to me. We can hold space for how hard it is to be in our body when we’re fat, the shame that comes with it, the weight stigma, the grief. But our existence in our bodies doesn't skip over our genitals. I think it needs to be a part of the conversation.

None of These Conversations are Easy

I get why these conversations are hard. They are hard for me. I’m sitting here, 100% uncomfortable writing this. I’m worried that you’ll read this and make assumptions about me, my body and size (in all the ways). I feel awkward and uneasy. And as folks have said to me, and I’ve said to others, there is growth at the edges of our discomfort. It’s not just men that might be uncomfortable reading this. I guess that most of you, in some way, might be uncomfortable with the topic. You might be wondering “so what do I do about it?” This post is just the start. I hope that this post helps us start to think more. I hope that we begin to notice when we are participating in making a joke or shaming someone about penis size. I hope we can find some spaces to get uncomfortable and talk about it more and more.

I usually conclude by asking for comments and feedback. Given the topic, some might hesitate to do so, but I understand. You can always contact me privately if you’d like to share your thoughts. Be kind to yourself and be kind to others.

PS: A note about the byline: My mother and my mother-in-law are subscribers and some of my biggest supporters. I love that they read my posts and are open to what I discuss here. I love that it makes them think and gain deeper insights into me and my work. Honestly, I do hope they read it. When they comment, know that they’re kvelling, and yes, it makes me uncomfortable as all get out.