Speaking as a woman, oh my, size does NOT matter! What a woman wants from a man is CARING. And caring is an action verb, not just a nebulous feeling. Do things that will make her happy, things that will make her life better - everything from genuinely listening when she needs to vent, to fixing that thing you said you would fix. Whatβs important in bed is to feel connected to a man, soul to soul. Give her compliments, tell her how beautiful she is, how important her love is to you - all of the romantic stuff. Bring her flowers - you would be astounded to know how priceless that is to her! βDoing the doβ is not that important to most women, but feeling cherished by her man is EVERYTHING!
emphases on doesnβt matter to you. i dont understand why yall force women to give up pleasure to be worthy of love. why canβt they have both exactly like men do?
Your mother's friends are also subscribers and now I know what we're going to talk about at our Friday lunch! JK, I really just wanted to congratulate you on a thought-provoking piece that sent me down a few mental rabbit holes. It's powerful and groundbreaking in its honesty.
Iβm so glad that youβre doing this. It reminds me of Betty Dodsonβs vulva art back in the 70s and itβs long overdue for men to get support with body image. Itβs really important that men do this for and with other men to create a healthier culture of masculinity.
I live in Japan and have often gone to onsen(hot springs) or public baths where nakedness is the rule. Iβve seen(but not stared at) many penises. No big deal. And there sure is a huge variety out there (and thatβs just Japanese men, and an occasional foreigner like me). The Japanese are completely comfortable with it and so should everyone else. Itβs just a penis.
Good morning, as I sit here sipping coffee reading your material I am struck by the thought that I never realized ( Iβm 65) that men go thru insecurities like women!!!
Ty for expanding my mental vision ideas of how men feel about this topic!!!
Iβm assuming you havenβt been with more than a few men. Iβm not exactly proud of it, but after some experience, I know how insecure men can be. Worst thing for them is no erection when they clearly want to do it. Also, being fat makes some positions impossible. I know how humiliating it is and was always reassuring and creative. And as we age, everything becomes more difficult for all of us for purely physical reasons. So, I hope younger people are enjoying themselves as much as possible!πΉ
Sex therapist here -- thank you for your thoughtful reflection and incorporation of body size diversity. Other writers here share a perspective that exudes confidence - which is helpful and a destination to move toward - but your vulnerability and honesty about working on this personally affirms the messy process where me and my clients are more likely to fall.
I made some immature comments about a boys penis size when I was an angry teen. He had been bothering me and I wanted him to leave me alone so I called him a βMillimetre.β
And then after that every time he made a comment I found insulting around me, I called him, βMilli.β
Itβs strange that I married a man and took his name without even noticing until today that you just add an βsβ to Milli to get Miillis, my last name.
However, last year I was having a conversation with the wife of the man who used to torment me as a teen. She told me he still is hyper sensitive about fears he has about his penis size and he said it started when I called him βMilliβ.
βYou gave him a complex.β She then asked;
βHow big do you think a guys penis has to be?β
I was startled by her question and I had to admit,
βI never actually saw his penis. I just told him that to get him off my back. He used to be mean and annoying then, and I fought back by trying to insult him. I knew he wouldnβt argue back on the bus. βMy penis is bigger than a Mack Truck!β
He used to just shut up and leave me alone. I used my wits and my mouth to defend myself, but I never expected there to be lasting consequences for him.
I told her to tell him that I never even knew or saw the size of his penis, I was just bothered by his snide joke and nosy questions he would ask out loud about me in front of others. I did offer to tell him face to face but she felt that would even bother him more than his memories.
Iβm not proud of myself for using an insult about penis size to protect myself when he would ask me how long I let a guy kiss me like a leech because I had a hickey. I just wanted to shut him up with one look and one word βMilliβ.
I knew he didnβt want it to stick as a nickname, so he always backed off and left me alone.
I didnβt think for a second that I would cause him ongoing stress. I never held any ongoing animosity towards him. But, I realized that l was thoughtlessly cruel and unfair when my insult hit below the belt.
Your essay made me remember the consequences of my actions at that age. I have two sons and learned so much about caring for and helping boys through all the stages of growth with their penis protected or exposed in various ways. I regretted my remarks about penis size when I realized boys become worried about size even when they donβt have an erection and are naturally flaccid. I assured them that as an adult their penis would become erect when they were sexually attracted to a woman they loved. I made myself teach them the proper words instead of any slang term so that they would feel comfortable if I reminded them to wash their penis and tell me if they got a bug bite on their scrotum. One son sat on an ant hill when he was two. A whole bottle of Calamine lotion and a box of Qutips helped with that discomfort.
But, the words I said as a teen left him with internal scars and I deeply regret that.
I would not feel guilty. He chose to engage in an unprovoked act of aggression that he knew was wrong. By his choices/action he entitled you to defend yourself. He also did not allow you time analvze potential long-term consequences of your defense. And even if you did have the time one could argue that the expectation of analysis would constitute a second, separate act of aggression.
Encore!! I feel so hopeful and privileged to have been able to read your post. Your thoughts on male body image and penis image, is one of the most important aspects of the male experience. This experience for men has intensely fueled "toxic masculinity". I find the pressures on men from our American society/media, needs to be dismantled, questioned, and explored. I can't wait to read and see more conversations around what masculinity is, what it means for individuals, outside of what patriarchy, and media expect it to be. Cis straight men are deserving of a voice that discusses these pressures. Humans deserve to be happy and not to be controlled by this modern day capitalism that feeds off the insecurities of the people.
Thank you for stating men should pay for porn. Thank you for stating how it can be displayed with consent, and should be all inclusive without stigma and fetishizing.
The "ideal masculine man" and "ideal feminine woman" are social constructs. I am so excited for the day we all get to understand that and form communities that discuss the hard stuff. Keep it up!!
Iβve become very comfortable as a nudist about my body. I feel there is no reason to be uncomfortable in the body you were born with. Of course Iβm 6β6 and moderately βwell hungβ, which may make a difference. I can see that some may feel unable to accept their nude appearance the way I accept mine. Iβm overweight a bit (working on it) and pushing 70 years of age, but still want to get out to that nude beach or naturist resort to get some healing, warm sunshine and vitamin D. Itβs so refreshing.
I wish nudity was the norm, how great would be to just go to the beach without having to deal with wet clothes afterwards or work in the yard and just rinse off when you're done. I honestly don't understand why society is so afraid of nudity.
It's amazing to me how men easily feel threatened when faced with an honest, knowledgeable (obviously) and, above all, open take on "what it means to be a man" in this world of ours.
There are many points of discussion in this topic, and - like it or not - sex is a huge part of that discussion.
For males (us men, all of us), sex equates to orgasm which equates to penis. It is deeply rooted instinctual supposition. And a false one at that. Procreation is dependent on penis, not sex. One can have very satisfying sex life without penile penetration of any kind. Which brings me to my point⦠In discussions like these, when penis is big topic, talk and thought process inevitably implies sex and shame takes over. If in the same discussion one would left penis out and talk about a finger or a tongue in the exactly the same context - why do we not feel not just the same level of awkwardness or shame, but most often we don't feel that at all? Why did we made such a huge point of an natural part of our anatomy??? And, most of all, why do we deflect the moment we feel uncomfortable - exactly what one of the comments above did dragging feminism(!!!) into this.
One intersection of weight shaming and size insecurity is that as one gains body fat, it definitely gathers on the pubis, and the penis seems to recede into it. If your flaccid size is already not substantial you end up with only the mushroom head showing where there once was some stem.
I'm grateful and loving you bring up this conversation. Both men and women can have irrational yet sometimes deeply traumatising fears about 'being different' or somehow inadequate because they think their penises or vulvas are somehow 'not normal' or 'unattractive' or 'wrong'.
Speaking as a woman, oh my, size does NOT matter! What a woman wants from a man is CARING. And caring is an action verb, not just a nebulous feeling. Do things that will make her happy, things that will make her life better - everything from genuinely listening when she needs to vent, to fixing that thing you said you would fix. Whatβs important in bed is to feel connected to a man, soul to soul. Give her compliments, tell her how beautiful she is, how important her love is to you - all of the romantic stuff. Bring her flowers - you would be astounded to know how priceless that is to her! βDoing the doβ is not that important to most women, but feeling cherished by her man is EVERYTHING!
emphases on doesnβt matter to you. i dont understand why yall force women to give up pleasure to be worthy of love. why canβt they have both exactly like men do?
Your mother's friends are also subscribers and now I know what we're going to talk about at our Friday lunch! JK, I really just wanted to congratulate you on a thought-provoking piece that sent me down a few mental rabbit holes. It's powerful and groundbreaking in its honesty.
Iβm so glad that youβre doing this. It reminds me of Betty Dodsonβs vulva art back in the 70s and itβs long overdue for men to get support with body image. Itβs really important that men do this for and with other men to create a healthier culture of masculinity.
I live in Japan and have often gone to onsen(hot springs) or public baths where nakedness is the rule. Iβve seen(but not stared at) many penises. No big deal. And there sure is a huge variety out there (and thatβs just Japanese men, and an occasional foreigner like me). The Japanese are completely comfortable with it and so should everyone else. Itβs just a penis.
Good morning, as I sit here sipping coffee reading your material I am struck by the thought that I never realized ( Iβm 65) that men go thru insecurities like women!!!
Ty for expanding my mental vision ideas of how men feel about this topic!!!
Enjoy your day as I will!π«Άπ»
Because men do not talk about it, typically.
Iβm assuming you havenβt been with more than a few men. Iβm not exactly proud of it, but after some experience, I know how insecure men can be. Worst thing for them is no erection when they clearly want to do it. Also, being fat makes some positions impossible. I know how humiliating it is and was always reassuring and creative. And as we age, everything becomes more difficult for all of us for purely physical reasons. So, I hope younger people are enjoying themselves as much as possible!πΉ
Sex therapist here -- thank you for your thoughtful reflection and incorporation of body size diversity. Other writers here share a perspective that exudes confidence - which is helpful and a destination to move toward - but your vulnerability and honesty about working on this personally affirms the messy process where me and my clients are more likely to fall.
Hey Matthew, thank you for this comment. It means a lot, especially given the work you do. Thank you!
I made some immature comments about a boys penis size when I was an angry teen. He had been bothering me and I wanted him to leave me alone so I called him a βMillimetre.β
And then after that every time he made a comment I found insulting around me, I called him, βMilli.β
Itβs strange that I married a man and took his name without even noticing until today that you just add an βsβ to Milli to get Miillis, my last name.
However, last year I was having a conversation with the wife of the man who used to torment me as a teen. She told me he still is hyper sensitive about fears he has about his penis size and he said it started when I called him βMilliβ.
βYou gave him a complex.β She then asked;
βHow big do you think a guys penis has to be?β
I was startled by her question and I had to admit,
βI never actually saw his penis. I just told him that to get him off my back. He used to be mean and annoying then, and I fought back by trying to insult him. I knew he wouldnβt argue back on the bus. βMy penis is bigger than a Mack Truck!β
He used to just shut up and leave me alone. I used my wits and my mouth to defend myself, but I never expected there to be lasting consequences for him.
I told her to tell him that I never even knew or saw the size of his penis, I was just bothered by his snide joke and nosy questions he would ask out loud about me in front of others. I did offer to tell him face to face but she felt that would even bother him more than his memories.
Iβm not proud of myself for using an insult about penis size to protect myself when he would ask me how long I let a guy kiss me like a leech because I had a hickey. I just wanted to shut him up with one look and one word βMilliβ.
I knew he didnβt want it to stick as a nickname, so he always backed off and left me alone.
I didnβt think for a second that I would cause him ongoing stress. I never held any ongoing animosity towards him. But, I realized that l was thoughtlessly cruel and unfair when my insult hit below the belt.
Your essay made me remember the consequences of my actions at that age. I have two sons and learned so much about caring for and helping boys through all the stages of growth with their penis protected or exposed in various ways. I regretted my remarks about penis size when I realized boys become worried about size even when they donβt have an erection and are naturally flaccid. I assured them that as an adult their penis would become erect when they were sexually attracted to a woman they loved. I made myself teach them the proper words instead of any slang term so that they would feel comfortable if I reminded them to wash their penis and tell me if they got a bug bite on their scrotum. One son sat on an ant hill when he was two. A whole bottle of Calamine lotion and a box of Qutips helped with that discomfort.
But, the words I said as a teen left him with internal scars and I deeply regret that.
Thank you for sharing this.
I would not feel guilty. He chose to engage in an unprovoked act of aggression that he knew was wrong. By his choices/action he entitled you to defend yourself. He also did not allow you time analvze potential long-term consequences of your defense. And even if you did have the time one could argue that the expectation of analysis would constitute a second, separate act of aggression.
Again, I would not feel guilty.
Thatβs a fair evaluation of the situation. I still try to stay above the belt when I fight back now.
Encore!! I feel so hopeful and privileged to have been able to read your post. Your thoughts on male body image and penis image, is one of the most important aspects of the male experience. This experience for men has intensely fueled "toxic masculinity". I find the pressures on men from our American society/media, needs to be dismantled, questioned, and explored. I can't wait to read and see more conversations around what masculinity is, what it means for individuals, outside of what patriarchy, and media expect it to be. Cis straight men are deserving of a voice that discusses these pressures. Humans deserve to be happy and not to be controlled by this modern day capitalism that feeds off the insecurities of the people.
Thank you for stating men should pay for porn. Thank you for stating how it can be displayed with consent, and should be all inclusive without stigma and fetishizing.
The "ideal masculine man" and "ideal feminine woman" are social constructs. I am so excited for the day we all get to understand that and form communities that discuss the hard stuff. Keep it up!!
I'm completely happy with my exactly average-sized penis. I'm a nudist, so I see more than most people do.
Iβve become very comfortable as a nudist about my body. I feel there is no reason to be uncomfortable in the body you were born with. Of course Iβm 6β6 and moderately βwell hungβ, which may make a difference. I can see that some may feel unable to accept their nude appearance the way I accept mine. Iβm overweight a bit (working on it) and pushing 70 years of age, but still want to get out to that nude beach or naturist resort to get some healing, warm sunshine and vitamin D. Itβs so refreshing.
I wish nudity was the norm, how great would be to just go to the beach without having to deal with wet clothes afterwards or work in the yard and just rinse off when you're done. I honestly don't understand why society is so afraid of nudity.
Man, you sure did pick a tough topic to write about. Bravo!
You may be the first in human history to ever tackle such a taboo subject.
It's amazing to me how men easily feel threatened when faced with an honest, knowledgeable (obviously) and, above all, open take on "what it means to be a man" in this world of ours.
There are many points of discussion in this topic, and - like it or not - sex is a huge part of that discussion.
For males (us men, all of us), sex equates to orgasm which equates to penis. It is deeply rooted instinctual supposition. And a false one at that. Procreation is dependent on penis, not sex. One can have very satisfying sex life without penile penetration of any kind. Which brings me to my point⦠In discussions like these, when penis is big topic, talk and thought process inevitably implies sex and shame takes over. If in the same discussion one would left penis out and talk about a finger or a tongue in the exactly the same context - why do we not feel not just the same level of awkwardness or shame, but most often we don't feel that at all? Why did we made such a huge point of an natural part of our anatomy??? And, most of all, why do we deflect the moment we feel uncomfortable - exactly what one of the comments above did dragging feminism(!!!) into this.
One intersection of weight shaming and size insecurity is that as one gains body fat, it definitely gathers on the pubis, and the penis seems to recede into it. If your flaccid size is already not substantial you end up with only the mushroom head showing where there once was some stem.
This for sure needs to be talked about more. Thank you for writing this.
Thank you!
I'm grateful and loving you bring up this conversation. Both men and women can have irrational yet sometimes deeply traumatising fears about 'being different' or somehow inadequate because they think their penises or vulvas are somehow 'not normal' or 'unattractive' or 'wrong'.
There's a marvellous book called Flip Through My Flaps (https://comfortableinmyskin.com.au/products/flip-through-my-flaps) that catalogues hundreds of vulvas that celebrates every vulva shape to help women feel 'comfortable in their skin'.